I consider myself a confident person in the workplace. Even though I do not consider myself an expert in my field, I really like discussing at the same level with experts in my job.
But when I'm really sure about something, I find it hard to be assertive without being rude. I know this problem is well-known (being assertive and humble at the same time), and I've searched all over the Internet for an answer.
Unfortunately every day I'm more convinced that people these days tend to take things personally, so you can't be assertive without being interpreted as rude/arrogant. So I'd prefer avoiding some uncomfortable situations and swallow my opinions.
I'm really not satisfied about all this... I still think sometimes you have to show some assertivness to get others to listen carefully to what you're saying (generally when they're experts and you're not).
I need some help about knowing how to handle these situations. Avoiding pushing the thin line of assertivness and arrogance is hard for me.
Summary
- Accept it is partially your problem too
- Review your communication as best possible from a "what does this come across as" perspective
- Focus on why vs what
- (practical non-comprehensive list of suggestions)
- Practice, practice, practice
Step One
Before we start, let's address this:
Unfortunately every day I'm more convinced that people these days tend
to take things personally, so you can't be assertive without being
interpreted as rude/arrogant. So I'd prefer avoiding some
uncomfortable situations and swallow my opinions.
You fundamentally believe this problem is not your problem but with others based on this wording. People always take things personally, this is part of being a person. When someone goes "you are wrong" people almost universally dislike it.
People are people. You cannot force the rest of society to change - yes, there are people who you can say "you are wrong, idiot" to in nearly these exact many words. However this is not the majority of people.
So, this can be summarized as
- Understand you have a responsibility in conveying your thoughts in a non-rude way. Problems with how you are received are not 100% the other person's problem
This seems so incredibly obvious but it is our tendency to think "why can't they just listen to me, I'm obviously right! This is so frustrating omg they are an idiot!" rather than even question whether we are mis-communicating ourselves.
Step Two
If you have any emails which you think has potential to be rude, read them. Read them outloud or with a friend or coworker or to yourself. Force yourself to read them asking, "how would most people receive this - are my word choices such that I come across as arrogant?"
You will almost assuredly be surprised by this. We speak in our own language - we speak in a similar fashion to how we want to be spoken to. We write emails in the same way. Oftentimes this documentation can show you some of the ways you do come across as arrogant (because it is documented electronically).
Finally, if you have the ability to, ask your coworkers (or perhaps friends/family if this might be weird for the workplace environment you are in) to very assertive in giving you verbal and immediate feedback on when you are doing this. People who are this way do not tend to be so only in one aspect of their life.
- Get feedback on either non-verbal or verbal to become more aware of your own communication style and how it is received
Step Three
Up to this point we've not even addressed how to better interact with people. Briefly in the above.
Understand that in general, it is better to convince someone rather than to simply tell them. For example, if I were to write this post as done in the summary as opposed to the lengthy version, you might read it and go "meh" or "screw you" or whatever. But having a more lengthy explanation - I am in some sense correcting you - which allows you to learn is key.
Try to adopt this style, especially as you indicate you are not an expert.
- Try to communicate more on the why than the what
Step Four
Some very practical ways you can do this:
- Admit you are wrong and/or apologize/thank your coworkers when this happens. People who are willing to admit they are wrong are a lot easier to listen to when they come across as "I'm right" than people who only do "I'm right"ism
- Take two seconds whenever you have the impulse to correct someone or tell them they are wrong or say how awesome you are, and ask yourself, "am I going to be perceived as arrogant?" Literally pause. This is not a joking suggestion - you will find yourself much more aware of your communication style and NOT jump into the rudeness at all if you force yourself to be aware of it. This is also considerably harder than it sounds to actually do
- Focus on listening and understanding things which you consider wrong or critiques/rebuttals to your positions. Concentrate on understanding the opposite viewpoints, regardless of how wrong, rather than thinking through how to best respond immediately.
- Adopt a style of communication focused on what I discuss in Step 3. Try to work with rather than against people when discussing things or arguing.
- Ask questions and let people argue against themselves. This seems obvious, but, oftentimes it is easy to change someone's mind by asking questions to give them cause to more fully consider things.
- Rephrase things people say in such a way to clarify and point out your position or their mistakes. "So if I understand you correctly, you are suggesting this - have you considered another option?" People like being affirmed. Showing you understand what they said can go a long way.
Step Five
Practice.
You are asking to change behavior and personality which is likely ingrained from years and decades of life experiences. It's not going away overnight.
I've actively worked on this myself both personally and with close friends. This issue is not one which is easy to deal with in the workplace (nor personal environment). And, unfortunately, sometimes, people just don't want to learn, don't want to change their mind, won't take differing opinions, and won't work as a team. You have to accept that while you are partially responsible for all interactions you have some people put in 0% themselves.
